Relationships

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=90 BGCOLOR="#808080" TEXT="#080000" background="044b8573.jpg"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#FFFFFF" FACE="Arial" ><B>MEDI-MAIL</B></FONT><B>    </B><B> |     </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="MEDIMAIL"><B>home</B></A></div> <div>                                                   </div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=210 BGCOLOR="#808080" TEXT="#080000" background="045d2083.jpg"> <div> <IMG SRC="0925e370.png" border=0 width="94" height="55" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> </td> <td valign="top" height=390 width="100%" BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000" background="04605053.jpg"> <div> <I>Relationships</I></div> <div> HOW DO YOU KNOW IF HE IS THE ONE?</div> <bR> <div> -It's not always easy to tell Mr Right from Mr Richt Now</div> <bR> <div> In films, when a couple meet, they just know that each has found that one special person, and that marriage, children and eternal bliss are just a heartbeat away.</div> <div> Unfortunately, in the</div> <div> real world, it is much</div> <div> harder to work out whether a relationship has a future or not. Most of us don't</div> <div> have these blinding flashes - or, if we do, we have</div> <div> been let down by them in the past and no longer</div> <div> trust our own judgment.</div> <div> So we follow the standard advice: get to know each other, go on dates, and ask friends to check him out. However, there comes a point when you need to decide if this relationship is serious or wasting your time. Is he into you enough - and are you into him enough - to go all the way?</div> <div> As a marital therapist who has spent 20 years sorting out love dilemmas, I've watched hundreds of couples trying to decide whether their relationship is worth pursuing further. They all approach the problem like a judge trying to weigh up the pros and cons. But how do you balance present issues and past experience against an unknowable future? Should 'but I love him' trump infuriating behaviour? No wonder these people find themselves swinging first one way and then the other. But it is possible, normally about six months in, to assess the prospects for your relationship and come to a realistic conclusion. The secret is to approach it like a doctor, and diagnose its condition by putting it through a series of tests.</div> <div> If it passes them all, your relationship has a clean bill of health and every chance of a successful future. Here are my seven essential tests...</div> <bR> <div> 1.How good are the good times? Sometimes when people look back over their relationship, it was not as brilliant</div> <div> as they first thought. 'It seemed so good on paper - great restaurant, handsome guy - but I wonder how much my hopes created the spark,' said Alannah, 32, when she recalled her first dates with David, 36. Did my fantasies also inflate OK sex into great sex?' Take off the rose-coloured glasses: if the good times still seem good, your relationship passes the first test.</div> <bR> <div> 4 How does he make you Peel about yourself? The right partner can improve your self-respect, whereas the wrong one can gradually erode your self-belief. If you contradict him, does he make you feel stupid? Julia, 48, ran her own successful small business but had left school at 16. Her boyfriend Mark, 49, had been to a leading university. 'If something intellectual comes up - some writer or composer - he has this habit of explaining who he is and what he's done. It makes me feel stupid.' Julia found this especially hurtful when he did it in front of friends. But although a negative response to this question is a black mark against the relationship, there is still hope: see the next question.</div> <bR> <div> Can you talk about anything and everything</div> <div> Julia talked to Mark about his intellectual</div> <div> name-dropping: 'I told him how belittled I felt by it, and to my surprise, he does it to include me in the conversation.' They agreed he wouldn't do it any more</div> <div> unless Julia asked. The more subjects that can be discussed openly, the healthier the relationship will be. Rebecca, another client, confronted this question and realised there was something her boyfriend refused to discuss: 'I knew he wanted to go back to Australia, but he would just evade the topic.' So Rebecca ended the relationship - at which point her boyfriend admitted he had already booked a solo flight home. Six months into a relationship, you should be able to raise topics such as having children and whether your life ambitions match.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> "I have to admit there's no real chemistry.' She stopped for a moment. 'If we're alone for too long he can really get on my nerves.' It turned out that Alison liked his family - especially his mother and sister - more than him. it is important to have good physical chemistry. Alison ended the relationship and she has no' regretted her decision."</div> <bR> <div> 7 Is this relationship diPPerent Prom your past ones? Look back at your last few boyfriends: do the relationships all follow a</div> <div> similar pattern? Do you always date nice boys but lust after bad ones? Jodie, 43, would always go out with musicians, actors and models. 'They were all talented and had troubled pasts. I was always trying to motivate them or throwing away old pizza boxes from their living room.' In effect, they had all made her feel like their mother rather than an equal partner. She fell for their potential rather than the reality. Her current boyfriend was cut from the same cloth. Instead of trying to work on her boyfriend, she dumped him and worked on self-improvement instead. She realised that there was a similarity between these bad men and her father, who had been a serial gambler. By understanding the past, she could stop herself from endlessly repeating the pattern.</div> <bR> <div> GO NO FURTHER WITH HIM: THE TELLTALE SIGNS</div> <div> STOP Don't even start to consider him as a long-term prospect</div> <div> •     / if you spot any of these traits:</div> <div> •     He gives unasked-for reassurance about his behaviour. He tells you 'I'd never cheat' or 'I don't drink as much as so-and-so' even though you've never brought up these subjects. STOP: it's his guilty conscience talking.</div> <div> •     He has a poor opinion of other women. Does he bad-mouth ex-girlfriends? Is he rude to waitresses? STOP: He has a black and white attitude towards women and it is easy to get on his wrong side.</div> <div> •     You find yourself making excuses for him. Do you feel the need</div> <bR> <div> to tell friends that he's 'not always like that' or 'he's had a tough upbringing'? Do you downplay bad behaviour? STOP: Your friends are worried about you.</div> <div> •     Something in his life doesn't add up. Does he disappear for a few days for no real reason? Have you repeatedly caught him lying to other people? STOP: No trust, no relationship.</div> <div> •     He always has to win. When you argue, will he stop at nothing -including cruel remarks - to get his own way? Does it seem that he doesn't really take your opinions seriously? STOP: Relationships need give and take.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>